Falcon sat with his back against a tree, watching Julia, who was lying in his lap, pale and burning with fever. Occasionally he would caress her check or brush back her hair. Even as poison slowly drained her of life, she was beautiful.
Everything that mattered to him was there in his arms. How was it that he only saw this now, when they might not have much time left? Why hadn’t he seen it as soon as she got to Kelstone? Why hadn’t he seen it the first day she had started working at Fletcher and Dunn, back on Earth? The first time she had said hello, he should have known that she was everything. But he had barely even noticed her. He hadn’t even been able to remember her name.
And all the time he had worried over Earth or Kelstone―what did it matter? He didn’t care anymore. She was his home. He should have told her he loved her when they were in the Snow Peaks, when it had finally dawned on him. He remembered Lotus’ words: Just trust what you feel. Don’t worry about the future or the past, cherish what is before you now… She had thought it would all work out well for him. What would she think now?
And then, even when he finally had decided to tell Julia, he had waited. He had let days pass and said nothing―days that could have been spent in each other’s arms, nights with her snuggled against him. But instead, it had been spent in miserable silence. There had always been tomorrow… until now. He had wasted over two years, and now she was dying in his arms.
She opened her eyes, pulling him out of his self-pitying thoughts. Her gaze found his face in the dim moonlight. She smiled, the way she always did when she saw him, as if he was all that mattered, as if he was her world. He ran his fingers down the side of her face and smiled back, though it was small and sad.
“Stop looking so miserable,” she ordered lightly. “I’m not dead yet… or am I?”
“You think this is what an afterlife would be like?” He laughed softly. “Shouldn’t there… I don’t know, at least be chocolate or something?” he teased.
“You’re all the heaven I need,” she said. “And your eyes are the color of chocolate.”
He shook his head. “Chocolate eyes, there’s something I’ve never heard before.”
She smiled. “Kiss me.”
He chuckled. “Demanding even when you’re sick.”
“How else do I get what I want?” she asked, then feigned a wounded look. “But you don’t have to if―”
“Shut up,” he whispered, leaning closer.
“Make me,” she breathed.
He slid his hand under her head and lifted her until his lips covered hers. Just as she did every time he kissed her, she melted into him. He held her close and kissed her deeply. She wrapped her arms around his neck, holding him in the place where he wanted to spend eternity.
But after a minute, he made himself pull back. He kissed her cheek and then her forehead before straightening again, and letting her lie back in his lap.
“Who said you could stop?” she asked teasingly.
“You need to rest.”
“But I want you,” she insisted, smiling impishly.
“You already have me,” he told her, purposely not taking her meaning. “For the rest of your life.” His unfortunate choice of words sobered them both. He forced a light smile. “Until we’re both old and gray.”
“Promise?”
“Yes.”
She sighed happily.
“Why don’t you try to eat something?”
She shook her head slightly. “No. I don’t think my stomach will like that.”
“Try some bread,” he urged and pulled their pack closer to get out a roll. “How’s your head?”
She sighed. “Pounding. But at least it’s not too fuzzy right now.”
“You need to drink, too―you’re probably getting dehydrated. Can you sit?”
She nodded, and he helped her up. She closed her eyes for a moment.
“Okay?”
She took a few deep breathes before she answered, “Yeah.”
When she opened her eyes, he handed her the bread and waterskin. She ate only half of her roll, each bite seeming like a chore. Finally, she moaned softly, feeling sick, and leaned her head against him. He set the remnants of her food on the top of the pack and wrapped his arms around her.
“I’m cold,” she murmured. “Can you grab a blanket?”
“No, you have a fever. It’s bad enough that I’m holding you.”
She hmphed in response, then sighed. “I’m so tired.”
“Then sleep.”
“I don’t want to,” she whined. “I’m tired… of sleeping…” Her voice trailed off as she drifted to sleep in spite of herself.
__________
He woke up when he heard his name. Glancing skyward, he found it was almost sunrise. The air was chilly and crisp in the forest, but Julia’s feverish body kept him warm. Her clothes and hair were damp with sweat now, and he knew he needed to get his body heat away from her.
As soon as he tried to move, she gripped his shirt. “Don’t leave me,” she whispered.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he promised. “I’m making you too hot. I’ll get the bedroll out for you.”
Her fist tightened. “No. I don’t care.”
“Your fever is getting worse.”
She leaned her head back and looked up at him. In the early morning light he could see how glossy her eyes were and how much color her lips had lost. “I’ll still be dying either way,” she pointed out.
He frowned at her, not wanting to hear it. He moved in spite of her attempts to stop him; she was too weak to put up much of a fight. “I’m not going to chance making it worse,” he said, helping her sit up. She started to say something. “Don’t argue,” he told her firmly, and she closed her mouth. Once he got the bedroll out, he helped her lie down.
“Can you stay near me?” she asked.
He sat beside her. “Of course.” He kissed her forehead and held her hand.
She smiled and closed her eyes again.
__________
Though she mumbled from time to time, she stayed asleep for most of the day. He kept himself busy whittling sticks into arrow shafts. He tried to keep his focus on the task instead of thinking too much―it worked part of the time.
By midday, however, he started to worry about Cael. He barely knew him, and here he was trusting him with Julia’s life. But what choice did he have? He could have gone himself, but that would have left Cael with Julia. And what if he didn’t take care of her well enough? What if Falcon was too late when he got back?
He glanced over at her, sleeping fitfully a few feet away. She didn’t have much time, and he knew it would have taken him twice as long to get to Chendal as it did Cael. The truth was, Cael was her only hope. But what would make him rush back? What did it matter to him if she lived or died? It wasn’t his heart that would be ripped from his chest, not a part of him that would die with her.
Falcon became more anxious as the day wore on, and the more restless he was, the slower time seemed to pass. He kept looking to the east, through the trees, but he knew Cael wouldn’t be coming yet. Even if it only took him a day to get there, it’d still take another to get back, and it had been just a little over twenty-four hours since he had left.
It was just after sunset when Julia woke up again and mumbled something. He dropped his knife and stick and hurried to her side. She was staring up blankly. “It’s not your fault,” she whispered.
“What isn’t?” he asked, taking her hand in his.
She turned her head toward him, but her eyes were unfocused, not actually seeing him. “I’ve lived with monsters, too. I know what it’s like to be unloved and unwanted. And now I’ve made you alone. I’m so sorry.”
Falcon frown in confusion, but didn’t say anything.
“Don’t worry,” she soothed. “I’ll find someone to love you and take care of you. I used to be alone, too. I didn’t think those loving kind of people existed… then I met Falcon. I know he seems mean right now, but he’s not. He’s really the nicest person you can imagine.”
Falcon’s eyes stung with tears. She was talking to Ohka and standing up for him, even when he had wanted to kill the troll child.
“It’ll be okay.” She smiled at Falcon, or rather Ohka, and then closed her eyes again.
She had related to that troll child. At the time, Falcon hadn’t been able to understand why she was trying to save a monster. But to her, she was helping a child get what she had never had.
The idea was foreign to him. His father had never wanted him, but Falcon had never cared. He had never felt unloved or unwanted… not at home, at least. His mother had made sure he knew he was wanted, told him constantly how much she loved him. He never had a day’s doubt. He was unable to imagine a more loving parent. But Julia had never had that.
He imagined, as he had before, Julia with a child of her own―their child. Julia would be an amazing mother. It would be her mission in life to make their kids know how adored they were. He took a deep breath, shaking the mental image and returning his attention to the present. He kissed her clammy hand. You have to make it through this, he thought. You deserve that future.
“Falcon,” she whispered.
“I’m here.”
She didn’t say anything for a long time. He scanned the area, hoping in vain to see Cael coming. When he looked back at her, she was gazing up at him, actually seeing him this time.
“I’m glad I clicked Play,” she said quietly, smiling.
“Why?” he asked. “You wouldn’t have been hit with that arrow at all if you hadn’t.”
She gave a weak shrug. “It sounds pathetic.”
“Tell me anyway.”
She hesitated. “Well… all my life, all I ever really wanted was… someone like you. Someone who really loved me. But you're even more amazing than I could have dreamed.” She took a deep breath. “Even if I die… no, don’t argue. Even if I die, it was worth it. Loving you… I have everything.”
He thought of their future children. Not everything, he thought as he leaned over and kissed her. “You’ll make it through this.” He tried to sound reassuring and confident. “You’re tough.”
She half-smiled at his attempt. “Either way, I just wanted you to know.”
“Jules… you’re all that matters to me. I love you more than anything in the world… in both worlds.”
“Thank you,” she breathed, her smile widening for a moment; then her eyes drifted close.
__________
It was after midnight, but he didn’t want to close his eyes, though they stung with the need for sleep. He lay on a blanket next to her, watching Julia, listening to her mumble nonsense now and then, and occasionally whine in pain.
He kept reminiscing―little things, like how she had looked, all dressed up, at the last office Christmas party. He was amazed he could even remember it, since he had paid so little attention to her at the time. He had sat there for almost an hour, wondering what had possessed him to go there in the first place. He hated work to begin with; inflicting such suffering on himself when he wasn’t even getting paid was just madness. But there he was, and somewhere during that hour, he had noticed her, even if it was unconsciously. Funny how the memory of her was so beautiful, and yet he had failed to see it at the time.
“Falcon?” It was barely a whisper.
“Yes?”
“Why can’t… I cast… light?” she asked breathlessly.
“I don’t know,” he answered. “Maybe you don’t have enough energy.”
“Move the… rocks,” she cried weakly. “I can’t… I can’t do it…”
“There aren’t any rocks, Jules,” he told her, but then he realized that her eyes were unfocused again.
“I have… to get…. get to them.” Her breathing got shallower as she grew more upset. “I can’t… I can’t see you.”
“I’m right here.” He tried to take her hand, but she reached out, feeling around, trying to find something.
“Falcon?” she gasped. “Don’t… don’t leave me.”
He pulled her to him, wrapping his arms around her and holding her close. “I’m not leaving,” he whispered.
“Don’t… want to—she paused for a moment, wheezing—“to be alone.”
“You won’t be,” he promised. “I’ll never leave you.”
“Hard…” She gasped. “To… breathe.”
“Stay calm,” he told her, unclasping her hands from his shirt and pushing her back gently. “Just lie back and don’t speak.” He took her hand and gave it a little squeeze. “It’ll be okay,” he soothed.
His mind flashed back for a second―he was seventeen, watching his mother struggling to breathe, gasping and unable to take in enough air. His own tears began to fall as he looked to the east again in desperate hope. Please get here, Cael. By some miracle, please get here.
